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Capella-Speak

Students (oops, that should have been "LEARNERS") are required to develop a completely new vernacular at Capella University. Sure, George Orwell invented "Double-Speak" but Capella University has long since surpassed Big Brother in the control freak department!

** Important Notice ** Translating Capella-Speak into English is a difficult task. Come back often to read our ever-expanding list of stupid terms created by the Jerks and Liars at Capella!

Academic Standards Committee (ASC):

An august body of imbeciles charged with retaliation against anyone with integrity. The ASC, as a cesspool of humanity, is created on-the-fly by any incompetent university employee who wishes to deny academic freedom to "learners." Additional (and outstanding) definitions may be found at the Legal Information Institute and at Answers.com. Whenever possible, an ASC should be thrown together to support the vile intentions of an incompetent Dean who is, preferably, also the "executive director" of not one, but two "schools" at Capella.

Academic Freedom:

Something that is to be prevented, no matter what the cost.

Accreditation:

Something that is used as a key selling point. A sales tool. Part of Capella's Official byline (for example: "Capella University is an accredited online university")

Bricks & Mortar:

A term used to describe real universities where active participation by all students (oops, "learners") and faculty is expected in courses, genuine and heated debates are fundamental to the educational process, and the censorship of ideas is forbidden.

Civil Rights:

Don't ask - you won't find these at Capella University!

Comportment:

The type of behavior exhibited by those with integrity who are worthy of being abused by Capella University.

Counsel:

"Etymology: probably from German Scheisser, literally, defecator: one who is professionally unscrupulous especially in the practice of law or politics" (Source: Merriam-Webster OnLine)

Courseroom [sic]:

Two separate terms that Capella University has stupidly put together to create a new compound word. A place where "learners" gather and faculty can't be found.

Diploma:

An item that may be purchased as long as the customer refuses to use his/her mind.

Diploma Mill:

Any institution of higher learning that bilks exorbitant fees for courses taught by faculty who have also purchased their diplomas. A diploma mill can also be a rich source for recruiting new faculty members to teach at Capella.

Disenrolled:

This previously nonexistent word was created by the jerks and liars at Capella University to describe their illegal actions against students learners who they've stolen money from. Similar to the English phrase, "hit and run."

Doctorate:

A piece of paper that Capella University encourages faculty to purchase (preferably from a diploma mill).

Due Process:

This word doesn't exist in Capella-Speak, so don't ask!

Employee:

Something that doesn't exist at Capella University - they only hire "independent contractors"

Enrollment Counselors:

Hard sell used-car, snake oil, and swampland sellers. This fine individuals would sell their own mothers to make a buck.

Faculty:

Someone employed by Capella University with a degree purchased from a diploma mill.

Flawed Logic:

This is a term used by Capella's "legal counsel" and has many meanings, some of these include:

• A phase used to hide the fact the Capella University intentionally violated Federal laws but those committed those acts are too dishonest to admit it.
• A term used to blame others for violating the law (e.g., We called "outside counsel" first and they told us to lie.)
• The absence of integrity, on the part of a Capella shyster, that requires passing the blame to some other shyster (oops, counsel)!
• Something the devil made us do!

Free Speech:

Capella is a for-profit "university" and therefore forbids anything described as "free."

Jerks and Liars:

Translated into English, "jerks and liars" refer to Capella administrators (e.g., the president, provost, chief counsel, many of their deans, and instructors who have purchased their "degrees" from diploma mills).

Learner:

Someone without a mind who acquires a finite set of information using passive means of "instruction." Individuals (i.e., "students") who question anything are to be expelled, permanently.

Ph.D.

Something that all learners enrolled in doctoral programs are expected to use as soon as possible (i.e., upon acceptance into a program leading to one of Capella's esteemed programs). Example, "I'm a Ph.D. learner at Capella University which means that, due to the rigorous program I'm enrolled in, I'm far superior to essentially everyone else I have ever met and; therefore, expect to be worshipped. Of course, this instantly makes me an expert on every and all subjects with which I decide to discuss." Previous experience at Walmart is useful in acquiring this title.

Provost:

"The keeper of a prison" (Source: Merriam-Webster OnLine)

President:

Grand Pubah. Chief "researcher." Oaf.

Public Forum:

Another name for a classroom. "Learners" who contribute to any discussions that don't conform Capella's Thought Police are subject to expulsion! Everything said in a "public forum" can and will be twisted and used against you!

Research:

Something that either doesn't exist or is kept secret from all except those who conduct it. Under no circumstances should any "research" ever be disclosed except to make superlative comments regarding the personal feelings of the "researcher" regarding expected outcomes.

Researcher:

One who makes superlative statements that lack any basis in reality. (See definition of "president" for further clarification.)

Rigor:

A term used by Capella cheerleaders, groupies, and poster children (some of whom have been previously employed at Walmart) to describe busy work. All "learners" are encouraged to use this word frequently and to recite it as a mantra. Some learners, especially those who insist on introducing themselves as "Hi, I'm So and So, I'm a Ph.D. LEARNER at Capella" are required to use this word at least once in each paragraph to let the world know that that they should be worshipped.

SOB:

An employee of Capella University. Also, "School of Business"

SOE:

"School" of Education. You're sure to get an "education" at Capella!

SOP:

"School" of Psychology. Capella University has been trying, for a very long time, to obtain accreditation from the American Psychological Association. Let's hope that the APA never grants this to Capella!

SOT:

"School of Thugs Technology"

Student:

A term that has been banned from use at Capella University. It implies that one must take an active role in any/all educational processes and is; therefore, incompatible with non-line learning.

University:

A term used to make any "school" sound more important than it really is.

Written Policies:

Something that Capella University creates just for fun. Under no circumstances are any written policies to be followed - that would, of course, be too honest.